Dream house + for my stalker

Everyone has a vision of their dream house.. when I was telling Andy about mine last night he just laughed at me :) I guess it is quite unusual vision for my age girl lol :)

I want to get our own place when we are about to be having our second baby (hopefully). I do love big cities but my dream is to live in the country side... the best place would be somewhere close to the lake, where to another house you would have to walk for like 5/10mins.. lots of nature around and where the 'road' isnt actually a street but like a sand path.. where we have a massive garden at the back with lots of flowers and some trees with apples... I want to have garden toys like sand pits, swings, slides etc for my kids then grandkids. I want to have a bit of patio also so I can just sit outside with a cup of tea and watch my kids running around getting dirty :) having bbq with family every now and again. Have a dog or two.. have a massive kitchen and living room. Have a play room where there are only games and toys and I want to have a proper old school fire place in the living room when there is winter, me and Andy with kids can just cuddle up under the blanket with hot chocolate and watch movies ! About Andy... I want him to do what he dreams of so I wish he could have his own garage one day! I hope he can do something what he loves in the future. I want to have like a 5 min walk to a lake so we can go as a family for a swim or whatever amd just enjoy the views
.. and so the lake would be between green hills..

I know some girls at my age dream to live somewhere like NYC or whatever and just party as much as possible but to me.. its a waste of life and money. I never acted my age.. like people say when you have kids, you enjoy watching disney movies, stayin in etc but I always had that even before I got pregnant! I hope I can make that dream come true one day..

For my stalker!
Dear Andy,
I stated it clearly that I dont want you to read my blog but I guess it really difficult to understand me :) you read every single post as soon as you see on my ig :p just to let you know, the post about my dream house... I stated clearly 'andy' .. not husband cuz it could mean that I just want a husband.. but what I really want is for YOU to be in my life forever... I do hate you at times and you annoy me quite often but at the end of the day, I would give up my life for you cuz I love you like crazy! You gave me a family, somewhere to live and just everything I always wanted and I could never thank you enough for all of it. It kills me when I think that we could not be a family.. you and Niko are my life and I would do everything for you two.. you are an amazing, loving husband and just the best daddy Niko could ever ask for! You sacrifice so much for us! You work 6 days a week cuz you dont want me to work cuz you dony want me to miss out on Niko growing up.. every time you come back home, I never see Niko any happier than then when he sees you.. he misses you so badly every day and so do I! I hope your dreams come true one day and I promise to support you every step you decide to take. We are family and we do everything together. I hope for our kids to think that their parents are true soul mates and to know that they are actually right!! ♥ I love you so much baby, I never wanna be without you. Have a good day at work xxx

Thanks for reading :)
Xxx

Cancer

You probably noticed the whole nomakeup nomination for cancer awareness thing and see all these adverts on tv about breast cancer and cancer research in general...

but do you actually check yourselves? My greatgrandma had breast cancer, they got rid of it but you have to stay cancer free for 5 years to know that its gone forever... about a month before being 5 years, my greatgrandma got it back... she's fine so far.. I dont really know whats going on as she is in poland but she is at home and still does her usual things. Before when I thought if I had any kind of cancer... I didn't even know if I would want to fight it... it didn't really bother me but now... when I think I could never see Niko growing if I had cancer, it just scares me... knowing Andy could be a single dad and Niko wouldn't have his mum by his side just makes me want to live as long as possible. Weve all heard of cancer but do we actually do anything about it? I can tell you one thing, I've never checked myself... NEVER. But now I decided to check like once a week or so.. when I think what I could loose simply because of not checkin... its so not worth it. I have my son in my life now and it would be just selfish leaving him... specially with Andy lol :) naah, he would be a great single dad... with lots of mistakes at the beginning but he would get there... I love Niko more than anything and I am scared of having a cancer so even if I had cancer, I would fight!

Hope you would do the same and please check yourself... men can have breast cancer too so men should check as well.. sounds weird doesnt it! I just found out today that they can have it too... check yourself, be sure that you're fine .. do it for yourselves and the ones that love you.

Thanks for reading.
Xxx

My mum

I never really told that to anyone and im not sure if I ever told Andy about it.. just hurts really badly when I think about it and don't really want to talk about it to people I know. Feels better to sometimes talk to strangers..

My mum as you know had me at young age.. she's now a single mom of 3.. well 2 as I've moved out now and have my own family. She never had luck with guys but since I remember, whenever she was with someone, the guy was always the most important. When she was single, we actually spent time together, watch films, go shopping etc then when she had a bf, I barely saw her.. I would never call her a bad mum cuz she did everything to provide for her kids and she always worked her ass off. The only thing is she never was like a mum to me... we were more of friends than mum and daughter. We could talk to each other about everything but she never hugged me and she never said she loves me... I remember when I was coming back from school every day she never even asked how was my day. Even thinking about it just makes me cry cuz I never really had a mum.. I had a friend but thats not what I always wanted. I know it could be a bit hard to understand etc.. I never had a dad and I never had a mum to love me.. she was always angry cuz later in life when she was getting with someone I used to hate him and she was angry with me but I guess I wanted her to myself..? Don't really know... when she had my sister, she was always telling her how much she loves her and now my brother lil mummys boy but I've never heard that she loves me.. I always feel used like now she uses me as a babysitter or translator cuz she doesnt speak english.. andy always says that but I never admit it to him cuz I do love her and I would always do everything for her. I always want her close to me etc... it just hurts knowing that im only there for her when she needs something or is bored..

Maybe that's why I want Andy just to myself... maybe that's why I'm so jealous about him cuz im paranoid that he wants me only just to be but he doesnt really care.. I really want someone who would only want me and nothing else... sounds selfish doesnt it... cant help it! If im selfish, let it be then but I cant change who I am. All these promises ive heard and been broken by people... such a bullshit. Im not sociable person. I dont have many friends cuz ... I dont even know why.. I guess I would rather avoid the disappointment... Whenever I see Andy on his phone I just think he's talking to someone and prefers talking to that person than me.. I know myself.. im not exactly a fun, nice person but I am who I am. My past made me who I am today and I can't change it. I want Niko to know that he's loved and that it's important to let people know that you love them. I want to be his friend and mum. I want him in future to be honest with girls, either he likes them or not.. never play with theor hearts.. I want him to know how easy it is to hurt someone you care about and difficult it is to forgive and forget... I forgave my mum.. I love her and I would love her to be my side like wherever I move I want her to be there ! But did I forget?? No ... and it still hurts. I only have Andy and Niko and I hope to make a .. no perfect but a good family cuz I love them two and they give me the reason to live and keep going..

Having a dad

Have you realised how many single mums there is these days! It's just horrible seeing women going through raising their kids up and guys just having fun, not giving a crap!

I've never met my dad. All I know is that my mum was 16 and my dad was 30. It was my mum's first time but I know he wasn't a good person. Alcoholic as far as I know.. I know he lives next to my grandma. I wanted to go to see him few times when I was I  Poland but now im just thinking what's the point. It's not like I would gain anything from meeting him. When I was born, he tried to get my mum to show me to him but my grandparents never allowed him anywhere near me or my mum. Then my mum got married and got pregnant. I was 5 when they had my half sister. I thought he was my dad but one day when I asked him for money for my dance classes he just said he's not gonna give me any money cuz im not his daughter... well that shocked me! Quite glad to be honest cuz he was also an alcoholic and really violent to my mum, me and sometimes my sister.. to be honest I kind of raised myself up cuz my mum was always at work and my sisters dad was taking her to town for the whole day almost every day and I was just on my own when I was about 7/8...

Some guys are so pathetic! The truth is, if Andy was a dick to me and doing something to Niko, I wouldn't allow him to see Niko. I don't care that he's a dad. He needs to act like a dad first cuz any guy can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a dad. My grandad was the one that was like my dad. Being strick to me, always overprotective... my grandma once said that if something happened to me he would blame everyone and never forgive himself.. she said im like the most important to him .. and he is to me. I did get married in county office not church but I still got my grandad to give me a way :) he always makes sure I have what I need and he still tells me to come back to poland to live with my grandparents haha :) he's a cutie!

I really do care for Niko to have a proper family... for his parents to be together cuz I know its hard.. I still remember my mum and my sisters dad getting divorced, moving out etc... I dont want Niko to go through the same shit. I want him to have what ive never had. Family days out, family holidays... not his birthday at two places cuz parents dont talk to each other but like I said, I would stop Andy from seeing him if I ever tought that he is a risk for Niko in any way... I grew up without a father and I am fine... does my head in when girls say 'oh he's my baby's dad' when he e.g beats the shit out of her or never wanted a baby... like in teen mom programme, they are all dicks but when the babies get bigger and easier they suddenly become good daddies... ha pathetic to me..

It did hurt really badly when I was younger when I thought I'd have a church wedding but I wouldn't have a dad to give me a way... but now... I have everyone that I care about and I dont need any changes. My son, my husband and my grandad are the only men I need in my life!

Thanks for reading.
Xxx

Marriage

Another post about my marriage.

Some of you might know that lately my marriage hasn't been great. Some people say no child wants unhappy parents and some say fix it... ages, ages ago in our grandparents time, divorce was the worst kind of thing. Yeah sure it is needed sometimes but I would say as a really last option when they both know they don't love each other... and child? Always try to fix it for your child's sake.. no child wants unhappy parents but no child wants their parents to not be together... I've been raised by a single mum, then she got married... there was lots of violence to my mum, me and sometines my lil sister... so yeah if you think about this kind of marriage then there is nothing to fix but when it's like it was with me and Andy whe  we just argue... argur over stupid little things.. should it serio usly throw it all away cuz of that? Our marriage, family, home... we all did it ourselves... no married couple is perfect! We will always have arguments but we have to sort it out by talking rather than finishing it. When I was getting married I said for better or worse and now im sticking to it... its not always good but thats why you promised you will be with that person no matter what. My family means the world to me... yes I do have doubt sometimes 'do I really want to be with him'... cuz it is true... you never know what you have until its gone but I dont wanna find out... I know I cant get better so im stickin with it. I love Andy more than anything in this world. I would do anything for him. My family quickly accepted me having a baby cuz they just loved Andy... they know he's a great guy. He's an amazing husband and father. He is like my best friend and I do trust him however im still really jealous and I like to check his phone.... dont judge! ;) he's really jealous as well so we kind of say 'can you not talk to that person'... I hate when he used to talk to his ex... I asked him to stop and he did but then he spoke to her again when we argued and now its kind of freaking me out specially when a girl is prettier than me! ^^ . We both need to work a bit on actually understanding each others needs and feelings. Yes, I do hate his mum and it will never change. She put me in so much stress when I was pregnant. She kept telling andy what to do and when he sold his car so we could afford things for Niko, she had a go at him for spending a £1000 on a baby... she kept telling us to buy everything for Niko and our home from charity shops where she was the one with money and always had to have amazing stuff. She was always really selfish with money thats why andys dad usually gave us some money so she didnt know cuz she would of want it back. When Niko was born, andys dad treated him like his grandson straight away but his mum... treated him just like any other baby... I gave her last chance to spoil niko on christmas... she failed so badly its so not worth telling! She keeps saying she can babysit niko whenever but I dont trust her, she is old and forgetting everything... I am not risking my son only cuz she wants to babysit him :/ oh and she always changed her mind... when she promised 'oh yeah we will do that for you' the next day it would be 'im not gonna help, you can do it yourself'.... I really do hate that bitch but oh well... no one is perfect... I still want to be with Andy no matter what! I hope one day Niko will be as good, caring and loving as his daddy :) right now he just woke up and screams so badly that im gonna finish here :)

Thanks for reading
Xxx

P.S If you love someone, fight for that love!

Caring

There was few times when I thought I'll just stop caring... and i did.

I do care about my family and my marriage. I love Andy to bits etc... but I just don't care what our marriage looks like. There is always something that I do so I decided to stop cuz it only causes drama. I dont need drama in my life. I stopped trying to spend evenings with him when Niko is asleep cuz he always said we need time to do our own things.. im not getting annoyed that he goes to football every Friday cuz at least I can watch whatever I want. I dont care that he doesnt hug me or tickle me to sleep anymore cuz I know he hates doing it.. im not getting annoyed when he is on his phone (and he is, all the time) playing games cuz if he wants to play, let him be... whatever.. and im not getting jealous anymore... if he wants to cheat, he will.... his choice. (But ofc it would be over for us). I dont care anymore if we talk or not. I told him that it might happen and he said he will make sure it wont... yeah.. and I always find out things when he's actually talking to his dad. He's telling some stories that ive never even heard about it. I am not bitching about him. He is my husband and Niko's dad. Always be in my heart but im just done with trying to make it all better when he obviously doesnt care. Let it be! I can just be at my mums and actually have fun rather than sit at home and just wait for another argument over something and sit in silence.. maybe one day it will get better and maybe it won't... we will see but I know everything happens for an reason. I know Im a bitch to him but it doesnt mean that he's perfect. We all make mistakes and do stupid things...
If not being good friends with him means no drama in our lifes.... I guess that's what im gonna go with to make sure Niko has the best life!

Thanks for reading.
Xxx

Cot death

It's not gonna be a happy post but I feel like I have to talk about it to someone...

I think I'll be going to the gp soon as I really struggle with sleeping since I dont have Niko by my side in a night. He sleeps much better, yeah and im happy about that. I also have a baby monitor with video so I can see him but it just isn't helping.

I am so scared of cot death! I hear all these stories like one girl her son was 8 months old and one day she just woke up and he just wasn't breathing anymore.. whenever I hear that, I just panic more... I can't imagine loosing Niko just without a reason... that's what cot death is! Just baby stops breathing without a reason... I always tell Andy to check if he's breathing when we are watching some movies etc but in a night of course is harder to check on him. I can't see if he's breathing on the baby monitor so again I panic! I can't imagine just waking up one day and my baby boy being gone.. it would destroy me.. it would simple kill me. I'm sure I would just loose my mind! Every time I go to sleep I just ask God to make sure that Niko is alive in the morning. That's all I want and that's all I need. No one deserves their babies to be taken away just like that.. Whenever I just think about it, my heart goes mad and I get really tearful :( . I hope time will go quickly to his 1st birthday so I don't have to worry about it anymore.. No one can tell me that it's not gonna happen as it can happen to anyone. It doesn't depend on anything! I want my boy to be healthy and to grow old with his future wife and to become grandad one day.. he has his whole life in front of him and he has to live through it!! It's just killing me the whole anxiety and thinking what if tomorrow... I can't live like that! But then again, I can't stop thinking and worrying.. He's my baby boy and it's my job to protect him. If I can't do that then what kind of mother am I! I hope gp can think of something to help me! :(

Sorry for the sad post.
Xxx

Children these days

What do you think of kids using all that technology that we do?

I was only allowed to play on computer and that was when I was at least 7! Now when I went to toysrus couple of days ago and saw the baby cover for tablet and iphone... it's just horrible! Me and Andy agree that we will never let Niko play with tablets or phones if he doesn't play with toys! He's a kid not a robot... my lil brother is 4 years old this year and whenever he comes back from school, all he does is playing on his tablet. People say it's a generation thing but I think it's just parents allowing it cuz it's just easier give your child a tablet and he will be quiet. I don't even let Niko to play with my phone. He has his baby toy phone and that is enough for him. I want him to have a childhood where he plays with toys, meets up with his friends...not playing games on phone or anything like that. I got my first phone when I was 8 and I only got it cuz my mum got a new one so I got her old one... and now I see kids at age of 10 having the newest iphones. Im planning on waiting with Niko to get him his first one and definitely it's not gonna be anything new.. :/ I wish kids these days would be normal kids without the whole bullying, swearing... when I'm on the bus and hear a 6 years old swearing at his parents im just like when I once swore at age of 12 I got so grounded! Why do parents allow this kind of behaviour?! If Niko ever says something without respect to me... oh god protect him then... I am his parent, not a mate. When I hear my 13 years old sister calling my mum a fucking bitch, I feel sick... even now I never called her that. I am gonna try my best for raise Niko to be a normal child with normal childhood.

I don't know if you agree with me and if you don't, fair enough but that's my opinion and that's what I believe in.

Future plans

I can't exactly plan anything but of course there I do have dreams about my future :)

For sure, I still want to be with my husband :D Marriage is a life time commitment and I want to keep my word :D I would love to have 3, max.4 kids... I would love to have twins next and then one more but certainly no more than 3 pregnancies :) I really want a girl next. I can't imagine my life with two boys to be honest. I would really struggle when they would be the age of e.g. 10/7 ;) We want to try for another baby when Niko is 2/3 so by the time, the second baby will come, Niko would be out of nappies and kind of able to take care of himself rather than feeding and changing two kids :) Also I dont wan't any smaller age gap than that... it just seems like a perfect gap 3 years :) . After we are done with kids, I think we will decide for a surgery for my husband to not have any more kids so we don't have to worry about being safe as well. In few years time I would love to buy our own house 3/4 bedroom but we still are not sure where we would want to move. In England, I really like Bristol but Andy hates it and he wants to move to Florida as his work could transfer him there cuz they have another department over there but it's just so expensive and unknown... We were also thinking about Nottingham in UK again but I think time will show where we gonna end up. I think it doesn't really matter as long as we are all together! When we buy a house 100% sure I will buy a dog but again there is an argument as Andy really wants husky and I want Pomeranian and Golden Retriever.. Lol. Again I guess we will choose when we get to that situation of buying a dog. There are places where I really wanna go as well and some of them as Bora-bora, Disneyland in Florida, Egypt and Greece. Don't know if you knew but Niko's name is actually Greek :) I think I've mentioned it in post about him ^^ . About my career... well that is still uknown... I am stay at home mum right now and I absolutely love it! I wouldn't want to do anything else... I am actually looking for some part time job to at least have some work on my cv etc and I want to do an apprenticeship but that's when Niko turns one. I'm not sure what exactly I wanna do but I was thinking either retail or something with kids but it's just so hard to get anything... I do have a diploma in business from college but not quite sure if I still wanna do something within business. I would also see my dad. Well, not meet as I know he's one of these that I wouldn't be in contact with but just to see him :) My mum told me that when she was dating him, he looked like John Travolta... interesting ^^  but as he was an alcoholic etc, i doubt he looks any nice now :) . Oh and I also hope to finally get my driving licence. I do have a provisional one but just dont have time and money right now to just do it straight off. I can drive a car as I was insured on Andy's corsa and before giving birth I was driving it quite a lot :) But after all, I believe that everything happens for a reason... What is meant to be, it will be :) I just pray to God that at least my kids will have their dream lifes :) I love my life, and there is nothing that could make it better other than just having our own place with garden and happy family in it :) 

If you have any questions about any of my posts or general just comment :)

Thanks for reading.
xxx

Dreams and fears

Everyone has them! What are my dreams and fears? Oh there is quite a lot and there is some of them that I can remember :)

Dreams:
` Learn to ride a horse
` Have a family holiday every year
` Buy our own house within few years from now
` Have a little girl next
` Niko to have both parents together
` Have a dog
` Be able to spoil Niko whenever
` Have twins next with at least one girl ;)
` Niko to not have the same colour of eyes as mine :/
` Niko to be able to speak Polish as well as English
` Niko's first word to be mama :)
` My marriage to last forever <3
` Be pregnant max.3 times :) (not saying 3 kids cuz I want twins next and then another but no more than 3 pregnancies lol)
` To move out from this small ugly town haha :D
` Spend at least one christmas with Niko in Poland :D
` Be stay at home for at least few years :) I love spending time with my baby!

Fears:
` Cot death!!! D:
` Outliving Niko
` Having two boys lol :)
` Getting divorced
` Struggle with money
` My grandad dying
` Being a single mum
` Niko hating me
` Getting fat
` Never be able to buy a house
` Spiders!!!!
` Heights
` Andy stops loving me
` Something happening to me and Niko not having a mum around :(

I can't think of anything more, sorry! Now I'm off to bath Niko as he's already getting tired poor baba.. had only one nap today! Wish me luck :D

Thanks for reading.
xxx

Being a mum

I am not gonna tittle it as being a teen mum because there is no difference! Every parent does the same things no matter what age they are. Some parents are 17, some are 30 and some other are even coming up 50! Anything happens but to be honest I think being a younger mum is better than being over 40 and having a child. Younger mums have more energy, can deal better and older also put babies at risk of having a down sydrome etc.. well so why teen mums get so judged but not the older mums? Oh doesn't matter.. I don't care what people think :)

I got pregnant at age of 17 and gave birth when I was 18. Yes, it will young and yes my baby was planned. Sooo? I am just as good parents as any other mums. Of course not talking about the drug or alcohol addicts! That's a different story all together :) . Omg I can't even focus on this post as I've just put Niko for a nap and he's crying cuz he doesn't want to sleep.. Oh joy :) . I am a not single mum, Niko has a father and to be honest I can't imagine dealing with parenting on my own.. I have so much respect for all the single mums! Andy helps me with almost everything when he's home. He does the nights feeds, we bath Niko in turns, feed him in turns on weekends, change him also in turns... It's all in turns :) On the week days, I do everything on my own so I have to clean, cook, change him, feed him... sometimes even bath him cuz usually yes we bath him in turns but we help each other so if Andy baths him, I get towel and pj ready etc.. but sometimes I have to do it on my own if Andy has late shift at work. It's not easy at times. E.g. like now, Niko is just crying cuz he doesn't want to sleep or when he is just grumpy... he usually is a happy baby but has his days just like everyone I guess. But I try to not let him win whenever he cries or whatever... I am the parents and he will be listening to me and that's how I see it. Sometimes when he really is hard to handle, he just makes me cry and then we both cry together. I sometimes can't cope at all but then I remember.. he is a baby and thats the way he's gonna be now. I try to put some discipline now into his life like e.g. if he tries to grab something and I'm not allowing him I will just say NO, and move it away from him. Also I never let him eat and watch tv at the same time. He has his time set for watching tv every day which is before breakfast and after dinner. My husband is really bad at that... if Niko cries for more than 5 mins, he is just kicking off and goes and gets him. Niko knows he will always win with his dad hahaha :)

Sometimes I feel just I am about to loose my patience when Niko just doesn't stop crying.. It doesn't help that babies can't speak otherwise it would be too easy haha. You just have to guess what they want. Niko cries really rarely except the night time for a feed but in a day... well I can't think of any reasons that he usually cries about... other than e.g. now cuz he doesn't want to sleep haha. Going out isn't easy either e.g. if you wanna go shopping or to town... everything has to be sorted around your baby e.g. what time does he eat, what time should he nap etc... Also trying to get your baby into a routine. Niko as a newborn, used to go to bed at 10pm, sleep till 3am then properly wake up at about 8/9am but then I thought 10pm is sooo late.. I don't want to spend my evenings with Niko. Evening should be my and Andy's time to relax after a long day etc so then I started putting him to sleep at 7pm and he now sleep 7pm-4/5am then wakes up 8am for a day. I don't mind him getting up early, I much prefer having an evening for myself! Niko also has baths every other day and it was like that from the beginning and he knew its his bed time cuz I always changed him into a pj... he never wears sleep suits in a daytime... I just never allowed it. I just wanted him to know the difference between day and night!

Now he is coming up 7 months old and can sit on his own :) I dont think he's gonna crawl any time soon as he hates being on his tummy. Since he's been on jars, my mum told me to add some salt to it as it gives them better taste and they will swap for a normal food easier. Don't know if its true but I do add some salt and he seems fine and loves his food. I hate when people judge your way of raising your child up. Everyone agrees that every baby is different but no one agrees with different way of raising them up. How does that work?! You have a full control over your baby and it's up to you what you gonna do. Like I sometimes wake Niko up from his naps otherwise he wouldn't eat and wouldn't go to sleep at 7pm... and my mum tells me that I should never wake a sleeping baby because he will be angry later in the future. I dont care.. I even read on the internet that sometimes its good to wake them up otherwise they wouldn't sleep in a night. Everyone has their own views about parenting and I am not a narrow-minded person e.g. I don't agree with my mum's way of raising my lil brother up cuz to me its just so wrong but again, I will never say anything about it cuz he is her child and she does what she thinks is right. That's what I do with Niko as well. I do what I think is right for him :) He certainly doesnt look like an unhappy baby!

Thanks for reading :)

xxx

True love?

Tonight I really wanna talk about the true love! You can comment below with your opinions if you want :)

As you know, I am married. My husband is 4 years older than me, he is English but with a bit of Italian as well. He was adopted when he was a newborn but he has a good family. I met him in college, just outside when I wanted to have a fag with my friend, and he was the person I borrowed a lighter from :) haha not really romantic, I know :D but it wasn't the love from the first sight.. oh no... I couldn't even remember what he looked like.. then after some time, I got a message off him saying "You fit" . Haha i thought he was one of these that you just ignore! We've been talking on facebook a lot before we actually met up and when we did.. I was so worried that it would be so awkward as it usually is with just met people but it wasn't... it was like we've known each other for years! 

When we got together, I really didn't expect to be with him any longer than a month but .. well.. here I am married to him! :D haha. I always remember my mum saying that if you really wanna see if the guy cares, wait with sex for at least 3 months... I was never good at that so I thought I'd give it a go this time and I did... He really didn't seem to be bothered by it at all which made me happy.. I knew he loved me and I loved him. We spent every minute of our free time together just watching films, talking etc. It just felt so right being with him. Then I thought I want him to be the dad of my baby :) and he is now!! :D ;) . 

We got married when I was pregnant, and it was in a county hall so it wasn't a church wedding. I just got a maxi dress that I could wear on my bump :) My grandparents came from Poland for this and we just had a bbq after at my parents' in law :) the weather was lovely and I couldn't ask for better. We were planning on having a church wedding etc in few years after in Poland but now it just feels weird thinking about marrying your husband, so we decided not to... Do i regret it? Yes, of course! Which girl wouldn't want that special day where she gets to wear the most beautiful dress and have it as she always wanted! It hurts knowing I will never get to wear a wedding dress.. I never even had a honey moon.. but if I had to chose either have all that in a proper way so wedding dress, lots of planning, lots of families or just marrying the guy I'm married to now, I would always choose Andy. I hope maybe one day, we will get to have our honeymoon one day... MAYBE :)

Our marriage isn't perfect.. but to be honest, if it was... it would be boring! We argue... not a lot but when we do, it's really bad... it's constant "Do you wanna leave me?" "Does that mean it's over?" etc... but it never is... and I never leave... at the end of the day, it is proven that the first 3 years of marriage are the hardest and we went through worse to be honest :) We are so similar to each other but again so different. We are from two so different worlds.. He is from one of these families that were never hard up with money.. he had everything and I was one of these that I was happy if I had warm, proper dinner on a table after school :) We sometimes don't understand each other because of that cuz as now I have money because he works, I want to give our son everything ! Simply because I've never had it and I want to spoil Niko as much as possible. Just like I want Niko to have a full family because I've never had a father other than in my early childhood my ex step dad who was only violent to me. I want Niko to have family holidays, family time.. just enjoy himself while being so young when I couldn't. I had to grow up really fast as at age of 7/8 I was just felt on my own in my neighbourhood because my step dad took my sister to town for some meal and to go to the cinema. I had to cope on my own. At least I had my grandma living really close to me so I could always go and eat something when I was hungry :) . But anyway... I want Niko to have the best life, he could possible have and for Andy, spoiling him just isn't right.. whenever we argue about this kind of stuff, we just try to explain our views and we get to the agreement. 

That's what marriage is about... understanding, listening, talking, sorting things out... and that's what we do even if it takes us days with not talking to each other at all, we still get to the point to just sort it out at the end of the day. I love him more than words can describe! Just like I hate him as well :D . He does my head in almost every day and I just wanna slap him in his face! But thats still what marriage is about... even thou we are annoyed with each other, we still love each other and we fix whats broken! He is my soul mate, best friend and husband, all in one! <3 . He helps me to survive, he supports me with every decision I make. We work together. We deal with everything together! It's not me and him anymore... It's us now and I will never let it change!

Thanks for reading :)

xxx 

Niko Florian Baker

Time to introduce you to my son :) His full name is Niko Florian Baker. His first name is greek and there isn't a reason why we chose it other than just liked it. His middle name is after my grandad as it's also his middle name. My grandad always been like a father to me that I've never had and he always calls me 'his little daughter' :') . Well I got pregnant October 2012 and it was fully planned with Andy :) We were so excited ! My pregnancy was soo easy.. I didn't have any symptoms other than morning sickness that lasted 4 days :) I first felt Niko's kick at 18 weeks :D We actually did hope for a girl and when we found out it was a boy, I actually cried after and I was really upset.. But now I love my lil boy of course!!!

He was due 31st of July 2013. I got pregnant at age of 17 but gave birth at age of 18. I've never knew that kind of love that you feel for your child until I held him for the first time. I kept changing names that I wanted and everyone was just laughing at me... First he was meant to be Nathan, then Kaiden,,, aw there was lots of names but he ended up being Niko and it really suits him :) . He was born 8 days overdue on the 8th of August 2013.

My labour was easy in a way and not in another... 7th of August at 7pm I was babysitting my lil brother at my place and I got one of these tightenings that I was getting anyway and suddenly something felt like a pop in my lower bump and suddenly got a sharp pain! I knew that was it! I didn't have any labour signs before except I had a sweep 2 days before and midwife was so shocked as I was dilated 2cm, and she could feel the babys head really easily and she was shocked that im not in an actual labour.. lol oh by the way, the day I started contracting was my dad's in law birthday :D at 11pm, we headed to the hospital and Andy's dad gave us a lift and waited in a car just in case if we had to go back home. I was in the waiting room for ages! I think till almost 1am! When midwife checked me, I was 5cm and lost my water so she put me on a bed when I was meant to wait to be taken into the delivery unit but when Andy went to grab my bags from the car and when he came back (about 10mins) I got a contraction and I actually shouted cuz it really fucking hurt! :D the midwife ran to me and checked me again...well, i was 10cm and actually pushing! :o

They rushed me to the delivery unit and kept telling me not to push! I was meant to have a water birth and they actually had a pool available but it was too late for me :'( ! I didn't even get a chance to get changed, midwife had to quickly undress me and told me to push.. I was pushing for over 2 hours... the worst part was, that I had a back labour and no one knew why as Niko was in a normal position and my back felt like its going into halfs with every contraction... ouch! ;< . I really didn't have strenght to push his head out so the midwife had to cut me... oh fucking hell, never want that done to me again!! Andy at first was really good, passing me a cup of water, holding gas and air thing... but then he was fainting so midwife told him to sit down. When Niko's head was out, he started crying straight away and the midwife was laughing as it wasn't his time quite yet :) Then...there he was... at 4:36am little tiny human full in blood, crying.. midwife put him under my top straight away and then it kicked in... The love for my few seconds old child.. Andy still couldnt look.. he didn't even manage to cut the cord hahaha :D . Poor guy... he went through hell there ^^ I had stitches put on then just spent a full day in hospital because he was sleeping all day and we couldnt wake him up to breastfeed.

Now he is the most perfect, healthy little boy that loves everything and everyone! Can't believe how quickly he's growing but I try to enjoy every second of him being still kind of small. I can't even remember him being a newborn anymore :( . Everyone fell in love with him the minute they saw him. He is such an easy baby! He never wakes up more than twice a night, he doesn't need attention but of course he enjoys it :) he plays on his own and doesn't mind it! He loves his jumperoo thou :D he is a really lively baby and I kind of hope he will stay that way :D next week we hope to put him into his own room so we can get some privacy back :) Yes, I do say Andy is the love of my life.. because he is... but the love I have for him and Niko is different. They both mean the world to me and I can't imagine my life without them! Andy is such a great dad as well... he does the night feeds and plays with him whenever.. but i can tell you one thing ;) Niko is a mummy's boy! That's for sure! :D

Thanks for reading :)
xxx

Introducing myself :)

I don't even know where to begin... My full name is Paulina Klaudia Baker. I'm 18 and I'm polish but moved to England in June 2009. I have one sister (13) and my brother (3). My mum got pregnant with me at age of 16 but it was her first time and I've never met my dad as I've been told he wasn't a good person anyway.

My mum moved to England in 2008 to earn some money as in Poland life was just too expensive. I then lived with my grandparents for that year. When my mum had my sister, she was married but the marriage was really difficult. I still remember the difficult nights when my mum sent me to my grandparents for a sleepover so she could sleep in my bed in the same room as my sister and she locked the room. My childhood was quite violent... But it doesn't matter :)

When my mum had my little brother, she said it should put me off having kids for a while but to be honest, it worked the opposite way haha :) I knew I really wanted a baby and that was my dream :) . But of course I don't think 15 is a good age for having a baby! I was in few relationships... first when I moved to England, I got with a chinese guy and my english pretty much sucked but its a long story... I considered him as my first love and there is nothing bad I could say about him but now we are just some strangers with memories.

In January 2012, I met Andy who was then 21 and I was 17 but then I was trying to get with other guy from my college. Andy was on the second year of business when I was on the first year. Then I got into a relationship with that guy but after we broke up, I started talking to Andy quite a lot. Every night we just talked on facebook for ages as his phone was broken. I found out so many things that he is adopted etc. The only thing I didn't like was that he said he isn't emotional in any way. He doesn't show any emotions and doesn't care about anythin.. When he asked me out, I really wasn't sure of what to do as I knew it wouldn't work out! But after a while of him waiting for the answer (about 3 weeks), I decided to give it a shot. After a month of being together, Andy told me he loves me but I wasn't there quite yet. We got together on the 11th of June 2012. Few weeks after I told him I love him too :) This relationship was so much different than expected.. he was the most caring and loving boyfriend I've ever had and it was so obvious that I was the most important person to him.

After few months of being together, I just thought he would be a perfect father so I talked him into trying for a baby :) I stopped taking my pills and in October, We found out that I'm pregnant. We lived in my mum's for almost my whole pregnancy. On Valentine's day 2013 Andy proposed to me :) Proposal was planned but I didn't know when :) We got married on the 1st of June 2013, exactly a week after my 18th birthday :D The day after the wedding Andy found out that he got a job in Worcester Bosch as technical support adviser and we were really happy :D Then we moved into our own place in July when I was due the end of July :D Niko was overdue thou, but story about him will be told later :) Now we are happily married, living together and having our soon to be 7 months old baby boy Niko :)

My mum and Andy's dad supported us with everything but Andy's mum always wanted the worst for us. She was getting angry when we were buying stuff for our baby and just wanted us to have a really cheap stuff for our home and our son! I still hate her and will never forgive her how much stress she caused when I was pregnant. Well I can't think of anything else to say about me... I went through a lot but it's pointless to talk about it as it was a long time ago... having a depression, trying to kill myself, having an agressive step dad but oh well... life goes on and I'm happy with it! I believe everything has its reason to be... If my childhood wasn't the way it was, I wouldn't move to England and I wouldn't be happy with my husband and son! My life is so perfect but also so unperfect but we will get there in later posts :)

Thanks for reading guys!
xxx

First post

Well here I am :) I've decided to start my own blog.. not sure why but it might be fun :) the first few posts I will try to do today about how my life basically began. How I met my husband, why I moved to England, how we decided to have a baby etc. I hope you gonna enjoy my blog! :) see you soon x