My mum

I never really told that to anyone and im not sure if I ever told Andy about it.. just hurts really badly when I think about it and don't really want to talk about it to people I know. Feels better to sometimes talk to strangers..

My mum as you know had me at young age.. she's now a single mom of 3.. well 2 as I've moved out now and have my own family. She never had luck with guys but since I remember, whenever she was with someone, the guy was always the most important. When she was single, we actually spent time together, watch films, go shopping etc then when she had a bf, I barely saw her.. I would never call her a bad mum cuz she did everything to provide for her kids and she always worked her ass off. The only thing is she never was like a mum to me... we were more of friends than mum and daughter. We could talk to each other about everything but she never hugged me and she never said she loves me... I remember when I was coming back from school every day she never even asked how was my day. Even thinking about it just makes me cry cuz I never really had a mum.. I had a friend but thats not what I always wanted. I know it could be a bit hard to understand etc.. I never had a dad and I never had a mum to love me.. she was always angry cuz later in life when she was getting with someone I used to hate him and she was angry with me but I guess I wanted her to myself..? Don't really know... when she had my sister, she was always telling her how much she loves her and now my brother lil mummys boy but I've never heard that she loves me.. I always feel used like now she uses me as a babysitter or translator cuz she doesnt speak english.. andy always says that but I never admit it to him cuz I do love her and I would always do everything for her. I always want her close to me etc... it just hurts knowing that im only there for her when she needs something or is bored..

Maybe that's why I want Andy just to myself... maybe that's why I'm so jealous about him cuz im paranoid that he wants me only just to be but he doesnt really care.. I really want someone who would only want me and nothing else... sounds selfish doesnt it... cant help it! If im selfish, let it be then but I cant change who I am. All these promises ive heard and been broken by people... such a bullshit. Im not sociable person. I dont have many friends cuz ... I dont even know why.. I guess I would rather avoid the disappointment... Whenever I see Andy on his phone I just think he's talking to someone and prefers talking to that person than me.. I know myself.. im not exactly a fun, nice person but I am who I am. My past made me who I am today and I can't change it. I want Niko to know that he's loved and that it's important to let people know that you love them. I want to be his friend and mum. I want him in future to be honest with girls, either he likes them or not.. never play with theor hearts.. I want him to know how easy it is to hurt someone you care about and difficult it is to forgive and forget... I forgave my mum.. I love her and I would love her to be my side like wherever I move I want her to be there ! But did I forget?? No ... and it still hurts. I only have Andy and Niko and I hope to make a .. no perfect but a good family cuz I love them two and they give me the reason to live and keep going..

Having a dad

Have you realised how many single mums there is these days! It's just horrible seeing women going through raising their kids up and guys just having fun, not giving a crap!

I've never met my dad. All I know is that my mum was 16 and my dad was 30. It was my mum's first time but I know he wasn't a good person. Alcoholic as far as I know.. I know he lives next to my grandma. I wanted to go to see him few times when I was I  Poland but now im just thinking what's the point. It's not like I would gain anything from meeting him. When I was born, he tried to get my mum to show me to him but my grandparents never allowed him anywhere near me or my mum. Then my mum got married and got pregnant. I was 5 when they had my half sister. I thought he was my dad but one day when I asked him for money for my dance classes he just said he's not gonna give me any money cuz im not his daughter... well that shocked me! Quite glad to be honest cuz he was also an alcoholic and really violent to my mum, me and sometimes my sister.. to be honest I kind of raised myself up cuz my mum was always at work and my sisters dad was taking her to town for the whole day almost every day and I was just on my own when I was about 7/8...

Some guys are so pathetic! The truth is, if Andy was a dick to me and doing something to Niko, I wouldn't allow him to see Niko. I don't care that he's a dad. He needs to act like a dad first cuz any guy can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a dad. My grandad was the one that was like my dad. Being strick to me, always overprotective... my grandma once said that if something happened to me he would blame everyone and never forgive himself.. she said im like the most important to him .. and he is to me. I did get married in county office not church but I still got my grandad to give me a way :) he always makes sure I have what I need and he still tells me to come back to poland to live with my grandparents haha :) he's a cutie!

I really do care for Niko to have a proper family... for his parents to be together cuz I know its hard.. I still remember my mum and my sisters dad getting divorced, moving out etc... I dont want Niko to go through the same shit. I want him to have what ive never had. Family days out, family holidays... not his birthday at two places cuz parents dont talk to each other but like I said, I would stop Andy from seeing him if I ever tought that he is a risk for Niko in any way... I grew up without a father and I am fine... does my head in when girls say 'oh he's my baby's dad' when he e.g beats the shit out of her or never wanted a baby... like in teen mom programme, they are all dicks but when the babies get bigger and easier they suddenly become good daddies... ha pathetic to me..

It did hurt really badly when I was younger when I thought I'd have a church wedding but I wouldn't have a dad to give me a way... but now... I have everyone that I care about and I dont need any changes. My son, my husband and my grandad are the only men I need in my life!

Thanks for reading.
Xxx

Marriage

Another post about my marriage.

Some of you might know that lately my marriage hasn't been great. Some people say no child wants unhappy parents and some say fix it... ages, ages ago in our grandparents time, divorce was the worst kind of thing. Yeah sure it is needed sometimes but I would say as a really last option when they both know they don't love each other... and child? Always try to fix it for your child's sake.. no child wants unhappy parents but no child wants their parents to not be together... I've been raised by a single mum, then she got married... there was lots of violence to my mum, me and sometines my lil sister... so yeah if you think about this kind of marriage then there is nothing to fix but when it's like it was with me and Andy whe  we just argue... argur over stupid little things.. should it serio usly throw it all away cuz of that? Our marriage, family, home... we all did it ourselves... no married couple is perfect! We will always have arguments but we have to sort it out by talking rather than finishing it. When I was getting married I said for better or worse and now im sticking to it... its not always good but thats why you promised you will be with that person no matter what. My family means the world to me... yes I do have doubt sometimes 'do I really want to be with him'... cuz it is true... you never know what you have until its gone but I dont wanna find out... I know I cant get better so im stickin with it. I love Andy more than anything in this world. I would do anything for him. My family quickly accepted me having a baby cuz they just loved Andy... they know he's a great guy. He's an amazing husband and father. He is like my best friend and I do trust him however im still really jealous and I like to check his phone.... dont judge! ;) he's really jealous as well so we kind of say 'can you not talk to that person'... I hate when he used to talk to his ex... I asked him to stop and he did but then he spoke to her again when we argued and now its kind of freaking me out specially when a girl is prettier than me! ^^ . We both need to work a bit on actually understanding each others needs and feelings. Yes, I do hate his mum and it will never change. She put me in so much stress when I was pregnant. She kept telling andy what to do and when he sold his car so we could afford things for Niko, she had a go at him for spending a £1000 on a baby... she kept telling us to buy everything for Niko and our home from charity shops where she was the one with money and always had to have amazing stuff. She was always really selfish with money thats why andys dad usually gave us some money so she didnt know cuz she would of want it back. When Niko was born, andys dad treated him like his grandson straight away but his mum... treated him just like any other baby... I gave her last chance to spoil niko on christmas... she failed so badly its so not worth telling! She keeps saying she can babysit niko whenever but I dont trust her, she is old and forgetting everything... I am not risking my son only cuz she wants to babysit him :/ oh and she always changed her mind... when she promised 'oh yeah we will do that for you' the next day it would be 'im not gonna help, you can do it yourself'.... I really do hate that bitch but oh well... no one is perfect... I still want to be with Andy no matter what! I hope one day Niko will be as good, caring and loving as his daddy :) right now he just woke up and screams so badly that im gonna finish here :)

Thanks for reading
Xxx

P.S If you love someone, fight for that love!

Caring

There was few times when I thought I'll just stop caring... and i did.

I do care about my family and my marriage. I love Andy to bits etc... but I just don't care what our marriage looks like. There is always something that I do so I decided to stop cuz it only causes drama. I dont need drama in my life. I stopped trying to spend evenings with him when Niko is asleep cuz he always said we need time to do our own things.. im not getting annoyed that he goes to football every Friday cuz at least I can watch whatever I want. I dont care that he doesnt hug me or tickle me to sleep anymore cuz I know he hates doing it.. im not getting annoyed when he is on his phone (and he is, all the time) playing games cuz if he wants to play, let him be... whatever.. and im not getting jealous anymore... if he wants to cheat, he will.... his choice. (But ofc it would be over for us). I dont care anymore if we talk or not. I told him that it might happen and he said he will make sure it wont... yeah.. and I always find out things when he's actually talking to his dad. He's telling some stories that ive never even heard about it. I am not bitching about him. He is my husband and Niko's dad. Always be in my heart but im just done with trying to make it all better when he obviously doesnt care. Let it be! I can just be at my mums and actually have fun rather than sit at home and just wait for another argument over something and sit in silence.. maybe one day it will get better and maybe it won't... we will see but I know everything happens for an reason. I know Im a bitch to him but it doesnt mean that he's perfect. We all make mistakes and do stupid things...
If not being good friends with him means no drama in our lifes.... I guess that's what im gonna go with to make sure Niko has the best life!

Thanks for reading.
Xxx

Cot death

It's not gonna be a happy post but I feel like I have to talk about it to someone...

I think I'll be going to the gp soon as I really struggle with sleeping since I dont have Niko by my side in a night. He sleeps much better, yeah and im happy about that. I also have a baby monitor with video so I can see him but it just isn't helping.

I am so scared of cot death! I hear all these stories like one girl her son was 8 months old and one day she just woke up and he just wasn't breathing anymore.. whenever I hear that, I just panic more... I can't imagine loosing Niko just without a reason... that's what cot death is! Just baby stops breathing without a reason... I always tell Andy to check if he's breathing when we are watching some movies etc but in a night of course is harder to check on him. I can't see if he's breathing on the baby monitor so again I panic! I can't imagine just waking up one day and my baby boy being gone.. it would destroy me.. it would simple kill me. I'm sure I would just loose my mind! Every time I go to sleep I just ask God to make sure that Niko is alive in the morning. That's all I want and that's all I need. No one deserves their babies to be taken away just like that.. Whenever I just think about it, my heart goes mad and I get really tearful :( . I hope time will go quickly to his 1st birthday so I don't have to worry about it anymore.. No one can tell me that it's not gonna happen as it can happen to anyone. It doesn't depend on anything! I want my boy to be healthy and to grow old with his future wife and to become grandad one day.. he has his whole life in front of him and he has to live through it!! It's just killing me the whole anxiety and thinking what if tomorrow... I can't live like that! But then again, I can't stop thinking and worrying.. He's my baby boy and it's my job to protect him. If I can't do that then what kind of mother am I! I hope gp can think of something to help me! :(

Sorry for the sad post.
Xxx

Children these days

What do you think of kids using all that technology that we do?

I was only allowed to play on computer and that was when I was at least 7! Now when I went to toysrus couple of days ago and saw the baby cover for tablet and iphone... it's just horrible! Me and Andy agree that we will never let Niko play with tablets or phones if he doesn't play with toys! He's a kid not a robot... my lil brother is 4 years old this year and whenever he comes back from school, all he does is playing on his tablet. People say it's a generation thing but I think it's just parents allowing it cuz it's just easier give your child a tablet and he will be quiet. I don't even let Niko to play with my phone. He has his baby toy phone and that is enough for him. I want him to have a childhood where he plays with toys, meets up with his friends...not playing games on phone or anything like that. I got my first phone when I was 8 and I only got it cuz my mum got a new one so I got her old one... and now I see kids at age of 10 having the newest iphones. Im planning on waiting with Niko to get him his first one and definitely it's not gonna be anything new.. :/ I wish kids these days would be normal kids without the whole bullying, swearing... when I'm on the bus and hear a 6 years old swearing at his parents im just like when I once swore at age of 12 I got so grounded! Why do parents allow this kind of behaviour?! If Niko ever says something without respect to me... oh god protect him then... I am his parent, not a mate. When I hear my 13 years old sister calling my mum a fucking bitch, I feel sick... even now I never called her that. I am gonna try my best for raise Niko to be a normal child with normal childhood.

I don't know if you agree with me and if you don't, fair enough but that's my opinion and that's what I believe in.

Future plans

I can't exactly plan anything but of course there I do have dreams about my future :)

For sure, I still want to be with my husband :D Marriage is a life time commitment and I want to keep my word :D I would love to have 3, max.4 kids... I would love to have twins next and then one more but certainly no more than 3 pregnancies :) I really want a girl next. I can't imagine my life with two boys to be honest. I would really struggle when they would be the age of e.g. 10/7 ;) We want to try for another baby when Niko is 2/3 so by the time, the second baby will come, Niko would be out of nappies and kind of able to take care of himself rather than feeding and changing two kids :) Also I dont wan't any smaller age gap than that... it just seems like a perfect gap 3 years :) . After we are done with kids, I think we will decide for a surgery for my husband to not have any more kids so we don't have to worry about being safe as well. In few years time I would love to buy our own house 3/4 bedroom but we still are not sure where we would want to move. In England, I really like Bristol but Andy hates it and he wants to move to Florida as his work could transfer him there cuz they have another department over there but it's just so expensive and unknown... We were also thinking about Nottingham in UK again but I think time will show where we gonna end up. I think it doesn't really matter as long as we are all together! When we buy a house 100% sure I will buy a dog but again there is an argument as Andy really wants husky and I want Pomeranian and Golden Retriever.. Lol. Again I guess we will choose when we get to that situation of buying a dog. There are places where I really wanna go as well and some of them as Bora-bora, Disneyland in Florida, Egypt and Greece. Don't know if you knew but Niko's name is actually Greek :) I think I've mentioned it in post about him ^^ . About my career... well that is still uknown... I am stay at home mum right now and I absolutely love it! I wouldn't want to do anything else... I am actually looking for some part time job to at least have some work on my cv etc and I want to do an apprenticeship but that's when Niko turns one. I'm not sure what exactly I wanna do but I was thinking either retail or something with kids but it's just so hard to get anything... I do have a diploma in business from college but not quite sure if I still wanna do something within business. I would also see my dad. Well, not meet as I know he's one of these that I wouldn't be in contact with but just to see him :) My mum told me that when she was dating him, he looked like John Travolta... interesting ^^  but as he was an alcoholic etc, i doubt he looks any nice now :) . Oh and I also hope to finally get my driving licence. I do have a provisional one but just dont have time and money right now to just do it straight off. I can drive a car as I was insured on Andy's corsa and before giving birth I was driving it quite a lot :) But after all, I believe that everything happens for a reason... What is meant to be, it will be :) I just pray to God that at least my kids will have their dream lifes :) I love my life, and there is nothing that could make it better other than just having our own place with garden and happy family in it :) 

If you have any questions about any of my posts or general just comment :)

Thanks for reading.
xxx